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20 December 2016

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Jordan, this is a very good poem, with correct rhyme and rhythm, except for verse three, which does not rhyme. For example, "unholy" does not rhyme with "ungodly", and "cover" does not rhyme with "water." However, with a few changes you could make this verse perfect. For example, When the missionaries first saw the tasttoos they probably thought your ancestor's skins were unclean. So you could change 'unholy' to 'unclean,' which will then rhyme with 'mean' which in this context is a verb meaning to claim something discussed. And as the tattoos were on your ancestor's skins, you could change 'cover' to 'skin.' Then if you invert the lines, you get a verse like this:

Missionaries came and said we're unclean.
They should never have judged our tattooed skin.
Jesus walked on water, they mean,
So how could they say our black magic was sin?

You see, perfect rhythm and perfech rhyme.

You are a really gifted poet. Keep writing more poems, and if I can be of any assistance, contact me on
malcolmmackellar@aapt.net.au
Best wishes

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