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17 December 2016

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You are welcome, Jordan. You have a very good flair for poetry. Perhaps you could now try blank verse, like this:

He was the Red Creek overseer,
A trusted man and true,
Whose shoulder never left the wheel,
When there was work to do.
And every day he rode the run,
And when the light grew dim,
The sweetest wife who ever loved,
Would watch and wait for him.
(From: The Riding of the Rebel, by Will Ogilvie)

In this poem you will see that lines 1,3,5, and 7 don't rhyme with anything. But they maintain a rhythm of 8 syllables per line between the lines that do rhyme. This makes a poem a lot easier to write, because you only have to rhyme half the lines, provided that you maintain the same rhythm throughout. Rhythm is just as important as rhyme in maintaining a balanced poem. You should try it.
With best wishes.

Thanks Chips Mackellar. I like your edited version. Looks good.

Jordan, this is one of the better poems I have seen on Attitude, but forgive me if I suggest that its rhythm is a bit out of kilter, and the rhyme is a bit off piste. However if you change a few words its rhyme and rhythm becomes perferct. For example "naked" does not rhyme with "crooked." But if you change "naked" to "nude" which means much the same, then this will rhyme with "rude" whis is more likely to be what the dimdims said. Also "display" does not rhyme with "ways". But "displays" does. Also your last line has 14 syllables, while the lines above have variously, ll, 10, 9 and 8, and this puts the rhythm out of kilter. So to even up the lines it is better to drop a few words. So you could rewrite the poem to give you perfect rhythm and rhyme, like this:

Fifty years ago I roamed nude,
Flaunted my black booty with grace,
Dimdims said my customs were rude,
Said my naked black butt, a disgrace.
Now on runways my beauty displays.
I'm confused with their contrary ways,
I'm asked to wear skimpy bikini.
Bad future for my pipinini.

In this rewrite the first two lines have 8 syllables, and all the others 9, giving a near perfect rhythm.

You have done well. Keep writing more poetry.

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