THE GRAND ANTI-BEELZEBUB of Papua New Guinea, his right royal Zilliness, the most reverend Theo Zurenuoc was annoyed.
He had just enjoyed a hearty breakfast with the new Prime Minister and Minister of Religion and Foreign Affairs, Dame Loujaya Kouza, in the great hall of his regal palace on top of Touaguba Hill and was about to depart on an inspection of the new Parliament House being constructed at Waigani.
The new parliament was being built using special aid money provided by his royal highness, Tony Abbott, the Mad Monk of Australia, who was scheduled to ceremonially bless it in a month’s time.
It was being built on the site of the old Haus Tambaran, which had been unceremoniously and thankfully bulldozed several months ago. A team of architects and engineers provided by Disneyland from the USA were overseeing the project.
The Anti-Beelzebub had personally exorcised any surviving demons and pesky ancestors and had consecrated the ground himself. One of his wantoks companies was doing the construction, just to make sure it was done properly.
There were twelve-minus-one castellated towers, one for each venerable apostle, topped by a magnificent wooden cross sitting on a royal crown.
The Mad Monk had personally commented that the symbolic combination of church and crown was most fitting. The Foreign Affairs Minister, Julie Bishop, had added that such new infrastructure development would benefit PNG economically in untold ways. She suggested that knocking other stuff down and rebuilding it was a great way to go.
Everything was going well but now the grumpy old National Capital District Governor, Powes Parkop, was complaining about bloodstains.
The NCD Governor’s particular beef was about the cost of cleaning up after the weekly beheadings, chopping off of hands, burnings at the stake and mass stoning held at the Grand Peoples’ Square on the old site of the SP Brewery at Gordons.
The brewery had been the second thing to go after the Haus Tambaran when the Grand Anti-Beelzebub ascended to the spiritual throne of PNG. In his book alcohol was just as evil and ungodly as carved images.
While he agreed that the splatter of blood and other gore was unsightly he was particularly annoyed that the Governor was proposing to carry out the cleaning on the Sunday after the event.
Sunday had been decreed and enshrined in the new Constitution as a day of rest and one when the citizens were required to attend mandatory church services. He was not about to condone the activities of a team of city cleaners on that day despite the protestations of the Governor.
He had worked very hard to establish beheading by bus naip as the preferred form of delivering capital punishment in PNG, despite the recommendations of the team sent to Texas to study the issue and which had recommended lethal injections.
The beheading of murderers, rapists and idolaters, the chopping off of the hands of thieves and corrupt businessmen and the stoning to death of homosexuals and the public burning of adulterers and witches had biblical precedents and were fine deterrents.
He sighed. He guessed if the Governor pushed the line about the cost of cleaning up the blood, gore and charred bodies and the issue about unhealthy flies and carrion that it attracted he would have to reconsider the Minister of Religions suggestion about crucifixions.
“Nail them up on Saturday morning and cut them down on Monday afternoon” was her recommendation.
God, it was hard being the Grand Anti-Beezelbub!