ARTHUR CONAN KRANZ
Watson - "Holmes, this wind is remarkably unusual for this time of year. My meteorological knowledge leads me to believe this may be a sign of some great change in the climate of our planet."
Holmes - "Watson, please calm down. This is a mere aberration. However you may be proved right 100 years from now."
And so they drifted at speed to the north, until at last the wind eased allowing a safe descent.
Holmes - "Lamington, what is this strange tropical isle you have landed us in?"
Lamington - "I believe it is Thursday Island, so named because it was discovered by white men on a Thursday."
Holmes - "Not very original! I wonder what the inhabitants call it?"
Lamington - "I believe it is called Waiben, but apparently we Europeans find that difficult to pronounce."
Watson - "They'd be better off if they all learned English."
Holmes - "Watson, do be quiet. And by the way, what did the original inhabitants of dear old blighty name England?"
Watson (in a huff) - "Well damned if I know. I was only making a comment."
The balloon touched down gently and Holmes and Watson found their way to the only decent hotel on the island.
Upon registering, Watson scanned the hotel register and exclaimed, "I say Holmes, there's a Mr Somerset Maugham staying here! We must make his acquaintance. I heard of him while working briefly for the intelligence service. Not enough service or intelligence if you ask me."
Holmes - "Watson, you are invaluable. He's our very man! Now let’s see about getting a sailing craft bound for New Guinea. We must proceed as soon as possible.
“You go down to the harbour and procure a suitable craft, Watson, while I have a conversation with Mr Maugham. Hurry!"
Holmes knocked and walked into Maugham’s room.
Maugham – So who do I have the pleasure of meeting?"
Holmes - "Sherlock Holmes of 221b Baker Street, London. I observe that you have recently been crab fishing, had a dalliance with a local girl and prefer Javan kretek cigarettes."
Maugham - "Why sir - get out of here! What impertinence! I only kissed her once!"
Holmes - "Mr Maugham. I am here on an errand of the greatest importance to the British Empire. I
need to speak to you. I merely observed the remnants of crab shell on your shoes, the touch of lipstick on your collar and the undoubted smell of kretek. Would you deny me an interview?"
Maugham - "The redoubtable Mr Holmes, eh? Come in and take a seat. I apologise for my outburst."
Watson - "Mr Maugham, I have in my possession a secret microcode which details the exact position of German military assets in the south-west Pacific and their intentions to move against Australia should hostilities be declared. Does this have anything to do with you?
Maugham - "How did you come to know this?"
Holmes - "I am on a special mission from my brother Hoamswit. You may have heard of him?"
"Hoamswit Holmes? And you are his brother? Thank heavens you are here. All hell is about to break loose. We must stop it!"