PNG humour: Kon–Templeit; yu yet skelim na tingim

STEVEN ILAVE SR

DURING DECEMBER 2011 a few of us contributed the following piece on an online discussion board in what was an extraordinary off-the-cuff fashion.

As the main contributor, I decided to collate the 50 odd “Kon Definitions” and repost them here basically unedited. It’s a play on the tokpisin word kon.

One truth about Papua New Guinea and Papua New Guineans is that while discussing serious matters we also love to joke and have a good laugh to brighten our day.

Many times sarcasm and humour is part of communicating our feelings on important matters.

My apologies in advance for breaking English spelling and grammar rules PNG-stail!

I hope you like our Kon Template!

Kon Ajoin: self-invited bisibodi lain, who love to mauswara; begging for buai is their real motive !

Kon Atis:  disla landowner-wanabe;  lying trickster to be weary of; or could be that favourite uncle ?

Kon Demd: plight of most sitting MPs in 2012 !;

Kon Disen:  your state: good or bad, em yu yet nau !;

Kon Dom: karamap blo baga ya! laif-saver tru tru o bagarapim sindaun blong famili?

Kon Fain : Namah/Marat/Tiensten's bail & 2 minute isolation in the Boroko cells in 2011 !

Kon Ferens : party here, party there, party everywhere to solve the nation's problems by the kon-sultants and hexperts while the victims get zero.

Kon Fes#1 : fes blo memba na intending memba;

Kon Fes#2 :  taim you autim pekato lo paterr;

Kon Fidense (as in votes of no-konfidense) : the belief in the "fee" the membas are paid to "dance" across the floor of the haus tambaran and then back again!

Kon Flikt (of interest) : taim memba interested lo senisim mama blo haus wantem mama blo hotel.

Kon Fusen : current state of affairs in the Land of the Unexpected ?

Kon Eksen #1 : the usual shitifon/digicel problem;

Kon Eksen #2 : Bosmahn blong boifren blong bestie blong kasin sista blong said blong liklik mama blong mi !

Kon Gratuleisens :  Mauswara from supporters of losing candidates for leftovers and handouts after your victory

Kon Kasin : high feelins afta cousin sista whacks you ova da head following one too many white cans @lamana & afta you have dumped her best friend;

Kon Kon : not just taro, but he is allowed to steal our kids’ forests !!

Kon Kod : (aka Kumul/Faulken jet) - disla private balus ya ol Namah/O'Niel lain 'hijackim' na giaman-givim long air-niugini long wokim election campaign blong ol – klostu ol Indonesia jet fighters sutim as blo en;em sindaun yet long ples long Singapore stap !

Kon Teijus : lida wokim na mi wokim ! - bihainim lida tasol long pasin blong burukim Lo na stilim publik moni;

Kon kubain : 19 year old meri namba 4 or is it namba six? Or sex !

Kon Mahn :  aka member of parliament !

Kon Meri :  was about to get a free seat in parliament ?;

Kon Sais : That odd Samatex sixfooter – They are normally size 28 !

Kon Saiens : the study of what most PNG pollies don't seem to have;

Kon Sensas : the agreement that counting of the population was seriously compromised;

Kon Seveisen : free plunder of our forests under the guise of oil palm development;

Kon Shitted :  proud selfish memba in the hass tambaran most likely to lose his seat in the next National Election;

Kon SidaRATE : what the BPNG is not – they say the inflation rate is only around 9 percent when all signs including price hikes seem to suggest high double figures as closer to the mark !

Kon Siuma #1 (of da SP) : aka spakpes!, Typical PNG drinker ?, bagaya sa kisim wara long spak chol – does not know when to stop!

Kon Siuma#2 (of da buai) : dat amatuer chewer who neva daunim da buai spet n sprays olgeta samtin red in the city!

Kon Siuma#3 (of da junk kaikai incl.BR/KMC !) : sampla ol "obese lain" sadly many of them kids dat we see on the streets in Moresby !

Kon Spairesi : some say this aptly describes the O'Neil/Namah/Polye union before the 2012 elcetion

Kon Spikuoas : when a memba’s stinky arse-gras is on show after being caught with his fingers in da publik till but is somehow never put away to rot in jail !

Kon Soleisen : Giaman assurance from past and present leaders that they have the bols to resist millions in bribe money from Malaysian logging interests in order to ensure that our grand children know what a Rain Forest looks like !

Kon StaBol : unstable wife-bashing half-nut dressed in blue

Kon Stipeisen : impass namel lon ol judges na politisen on the eve of last election

Kon Stitusen # 1 :  the bigman’s football, was/still is in krai(sis)?

Kon Stitusen # 2: Mama Law; what some Membas and der lowyas say is quaint and try to challenge, at their own peril!

Kon Tradiksen : describes the lives of most leaders;

Kon Tempt (of kot) : when da Tambaran decision-machine is forced into "reverse gear" in fear of the courts !

KonTerminate : assault on the courts and the quick NEC reversal of the CJ removal decision last year;

KonTest # 1 : an exam where the most popular kon-atist scores enough points for a seat in the Haus Tambaran;

Kon Test # 2 : (beauty kon test) an exam where strippas test drive the stiletto on the runway for the Miss wateva title;

Kon Trakt : Dis pepa yu sign with gavman (& NCDC) to collect millions in Kina for little or no work;

KonTrovesi : Namah na former Speaker Nape tok: em nomol ya !

Kon Traktor : The only one tractor that breaks down on day one after kon-man and kon-trakt money disappear.

Kon Vaseisen :  disla ofis landline to digi/shitifone MAUSWARA namel lon ol wantok; em save stat lon monin na go go tutak – gavman sa baim cost !

KonVict # 1 : What the membas na ol boi na ol egl blo ol (their entourage) should be at Bombex, instead of the juveniles;

KonVict # 2 : Sampla tumbuna blo ol sampla lain stap arere lo yumi. Ol sae kam olsem "konsultants" or "kontractors"!

KonVict # 3 : bombex soap mangi

Kon Vixen: Aiyo disla rait fox-meri, hangamap nambaut long madgaun stap ! – mi gat bilip long yu, !

Comments

[Robin Lillicrapp]

Pop Kon:

1/ Theatre treat comprising an edible morsel of non nutritional garden produce deceptively coated in butter or sugar

2/ Disgraced elder statesman

Kon Sula: Ambassadorial

Kon Sort:

1/ keeping company with

2/ Charming yet wily female companion

Kon Sult: ingenious method of deception

[Peter Kranz]

Alternative for Kon Meri - Julia Gillard

[Peter Kranz]

Kon Centrait - listen up yu buggers!

Kon Troll - Agents 86 and 99 work for them.

Kon Tri - A land where Kon Men Kon Trive to Kon the people all of the time.

[Robin Lillicrapp]

E Kon Omi: Trader's Invoice presented for goods and services supplied

Kon stabl: Honest, mature and reasonable polis.

Kon Trait: Illiteracy

Kon not: Written communication

Mal Kon Tents: Street market shelters

Lin Kon: US President dec'd

Ba Kon: What became of PK's Mangi Mosbi pik

[Steven Ilave (snr)]

Cool additions Robin. A friend sent me this one:

Re KONdisind! : the state of your car after you have gotten it back from a workshop in Port Moresby with parts missing!

[Robin Lillicrapp]

Sili-Kon:
1/ A substance of flexible nature designed to plug gaps and perform role of presenting a seamless surface upon to to mount a facade intended. Not a reliable foundation for solid construction.
2/ political crony- They exist solely to entertain their political patron because of kinship ties or close friendship.

[Robin Lillicrapp]

Evil KON Evil: Long long waitman. Especially representative of all who attempt to leap tall buildings or vast chasms at a single bound; seemingly, without thought for consequences arising to onlookers or impressionable minds. Of the genus: Dare D'Evil.
May be related to Di Kon of Dictionary repute.

Kon Edobu; locates presumed "graun" of the line of South Pacific descendents of the Genus D'Evil.

[Robin Lillicrapp]

Kon-gris .... attempted mutual discussion designed to mislead and bypass the otherwise prudent moderation of Blog-meisters.

Kon-sit.. Mindset of aforesaid gris-man

[Steven Ilave (snr)]

I just had to add this one:

DiKON - That haus-lotu 'hippo' who sits on the front row each Sunday smartly attired: white long-sleeved shirt, black tie, black sulu, red buai lips and ciggy-stained teeth.

He cannot wait for church to be over so he can have his next puff!

[Robin Lillicrapp]

Kon-Troll Unknown, unidentified and vexatious correspondent with PNG Attitude.. often intercepted by Moderator.

Kon-Flikt The mode of dealing with the aforementioned

[Steven Ilave (snr)]

Thanks guys for the additions. I will definitely (defex) add them to the kon dictionary.

MR, the 'mams acting sweet 16', and '..ino bodi contact' ones are absolute beauties!

[Michelle Rooney]

Tx SI good laugh. Some more to add to your dictionary.

Kon sis when your self perception consists of words like "sis" but for some strange reason you morphed overnight into "mams" by the boys on da street.  Usual response keep in denial by dying hair wit k5 dye and attract comments like "eeeeshh mams o acting swit 16!"

Kon sil wen Kon man and con Trakt and money disappear and potholes in street miraculously consealed overnight with loose gravel

Kon text when con papa o mama texts get intercepted by partner and he she puts it all into da right context. (big loud argument follows)

Kon tact when haus mama discovers text from Kon Sis and in Kon papas pleadings of innocence he says "Aiyo lewa em i no bodi contact yah em phone contact tasol" (louder arguments. By this time Kon fone might b destroyed.

Kon template when official gives you template form to fill so your request can be processed and suggests you contemplate over giving he or she ten percent so it will get done faster

Kon tribute when Kon man turns up to haus Krai at election time to make contibution n pay tribute to deceased and family....

[Peter Kranz]

How about...

Kon Trary - when your opponent just keeps on arguing about everything

Kon Stipated - something experienced when your toilet hangs over a 200 foot drop.

[Steven Ilave(Snr)]

Barbara, I like those two new words too. The situations I think they describe are common enough for them to deserve their own labels like that.
And o my gosh Josh. Maski giaman ! Nogut yu tu laik “stap long fom” olsem na yu Kon Tribiut ? Haha, jokes tasol !
But hey the 18 months grace period is almost up and I can bet you my big 30t right now that Namah and co are busy scheming and tending their little k30m-yeilding magic diwais in his backyard to launch that pre-election circus once more .
Olsem na dispela KonFom definition blong yu bai stap tru tru long fom ! ;)

[Phil Fitzpatrick]

Great stuff - especially the bits I can understand.

I had (have) a similar experience to Bob Cleland. Bit like walking into a meeting of 21st century high flyers talking medieval English.

I reached a stage on some one-man patrol posts where I was actually thinking in tok pisin. Now I'm just back from Wewak and ESP where everyone talks twice as fast as the rest of PNG and have their own special pisin dialect and I was completely lost for most of the time.

[Joshua Kaijankoski]

Ha ha! Brilliant stuff. Here's my Kon-Tribution:

Kon Fom: Memba stap lo fom stret ya!

[Mrs Barbara Short]

Thanks Steven. Really very clever. I shall try to keep up with the times.

Two other words I've learnt today from PNG Attitude are "korapment" and "bagarapment". Great words!

[Steven Ilave (Snr)]

Bob, thanks for the comments.

Although I live in Port Moresby and speak the language, I cannot keep up half of the time with the change that is happening mainly with “spoken “ tokpisin on our streets and around the buai stalls particularly amongst our young people.

This is especially so with the everyday expressions that they use to communicate with one another. There are times I wonder whether I am hearing a different language altogether.

I have to constantly seek the services of my teenage children and their ‘skuads’ (friends) to update and educate me. For example what used to be “Em i orait” - it is okay or its fine, is now ‘em skel’ , when spoken.

Noken wari or maski - don’t worry/never mind is apparently “nox bisi”!

The arrival of mobile phones and innovative abbreviations now used by the youngsters to text one is a further challenge for a writer or reporter who wants to communicate exactly what was said.

So I am in the same boat as you Bob, and that “Kon fius” definition you have given aptly applies here too. lol

[Bob Cleland]

Hilarious! Really clever stuff. lol. Some I don't understand and now I know why. My tok pisin is archaic - it's 36 years out of date. It's straight from Mihalic.

Back then I was fluent - could joke and swear and tok bokis. On my recent trips to PNG, I'm happy talking to oldies but have trouble with you youngsters. Bilong becomes 'blo', long becomes 'lo' etc etc.

Kon Fius : What I'll be until mi save pisin blo ol new century pipal.